3 must-have summer staples

I wanted the title to be “3 things you should be able to buy with Monopoly money” but this is not an SEO friendly phrase. Go figure.

Anywho, in my spare time I love perusing the “Just In” and “New this week” tabs of designer etailers. I love online window shopping. But COVID-19 has thrown into sharp focus the utility of my beloved virtual exercise mainly as I have serious doubts about some of the following products.

I’ll let you judge for yourself. As Borat would say, “Eennjoy.”

Exhibit One: Airpod cases (US$ 540 exc shipping & taxes)

Selfridges says (i.e., marketing blurb):

“The last thing you want to happen with your Airpods is to lose one down the back of the sofa — but thankfully that won’t be an issue with this Valentino case. Not to mention, it looks pretty good, too. .”

If you were thinking, “codswallop,” then there may be a faint psychic connection between us.

If all I wanted was NOT TO LOSE my Airpods down the back of my sofa, then I could use dental floss…

Exhibit Two: the utility belt (US$ 1,185 exc. shipping & taxes)

With the COVID-19 lockdown and the inevitable social distancing norms that will prevail in our future, I can’t see that there will be a wave of crime, followed by the need for vigilantes such as Batwoman copycats.

If you haven’t started to watch Batwoman with the excellent Ruby Rose, you should. She is a brilliant actor and quite frankly, just looking at the quality of her skin makes me want to become vegan.

Anyway, I digress.

Selfridges says:

“By now, you probably know that belt bags have made a major comeback, but they are being taken one step further with designs like Fendi ‘s utility version… Keep the styling functional with a bomber jacket.”

This is an informative paragraph for two reasons. First, this is such a bizarre take on a belt, that even Selfridges feel the need to put a positive spin on it. Secondly, the belt by itself is not enough – you need an unfashionable bomber jacket. I assume bomber jackets have actual physical war origins and while I appreciate COVID-199 has been compared to a war, I don’t think a bomber jacket will protect you from a virus.

I feel as if I am being excessively harsh. Truthfully, I have been accused of over-shooting and being unnecessarily rude in my pursuit of humour. So, if I wanted to be pickpocket as I walked outside Selfridges store onto the bustling humanity of Oxford Street, this would be the perfect utility belt.

Exhibit Three: the 1960s-1970s Aunty bag (US$ 690 exc. shipping and taxes)

I distinctly remember this type of bag being carried around by trendy moms when I was growing up. At the time, the clasp made a distinct and heavy clicking sound because the clasps were solid balls…

This bag is fashionable if you are a nonagenarian, are in lockdown and in desperate need of beer.

Otherwise, do your wallet a favour and buy this for a fiver from Oxfam.

Or not buying is also an option.

Adieu. Until the next instalment!