I recently attended a friends wedding. At the outset, you may consider this post to be both or either vitriolic and bitter.
It is none of these things. If you cannot read the inherent sadness in my post, then borrowing Atticus Finch’s words, you’ve failed to truly put yourself in my shoes and walk around in them. I frequently tell my closest sister (and one of my best friends) that we must and should be the change that we want to see in our society. Any process of change starts with identifying WHY change is imperative. My mission in life is to identify this WHY.
Actions do speak louder than words at an Indian wedding. I am one or more of these things: single by choice, Indian, female and over 35, a widow, divorced by choice. The women who fall into this group are exceptional and the size of this group is growing. This is a natural byproduct of India’s infamous gender imbalance and as more women become better educated, they choose their career over the shackles of marriage.
At a wedding this group of exceptional women are not permitted to participate in 99.99% of rituals. We are discouraged (active/passive) from doing anything that is related to the marriage – whether its actually being present in a room where the rituals are conducted or holding a bowl of haldi. While other married women participate in the songs, dances and odd rituals relating to marriages, we are relegated to the backseat. There is not a single photo of my mausi (mother’s sister) or the bride/bridegroom and me.
In fact, when I spoke to the mother of the groom during the wedding ceremony, I was so sure that if she had a sawn off shotgun she would not have hesitated to use it on me.
As if, somehow the choices I make about my life, would “infect” or bring “misfortune” to the groom’s wedding or his future.
My other two aunts (everyone is called an aunt, including my neighbour’s cousin in Canada), were very helpful in confirming these biases. I made it a point to say to both of them, “oh the reason why I didn’t help out was because I didn’t want to offend anyone.” Neither of them said to me, “Don’t be absurd. Kya baat kar rahe ho.” Instead their was a heavy (and informative) silence.
If you think I am petty, then you’ve missed the point of this post. I had a ton of fun at this wedding and I couldn’t give two hoots about how others treat me. Nothing says I don’t care than a Louis Vuitton handbag and a pair of Salvatore Ferragamo shoes. Plus, my identity is my own – it is neither for sale nor is it defined by others double standards, especially the inexplicable duplicity of family.
I want to highlight to you that in India, it is many times women who reinforce the subjugation of other women on the pretext of superstition. Nowhere in any holy book, anywhere, is it written that there is a hierarchy of the status of women. We have created this system and it is up to us to dismantle it.
Be the change you want to see in society.