I have a confession to make (and it will probably not come as a surprise to many of you). I have been struggling recently. Actually, I have been struggling for about a month because the life with whom I envisaged it would be with, will not be a reality tomorrow.
It may be my only reality in the future, but it is not for now.
I sometimes find that I am not tethered to reality in the best way possible. What this means is quite harrowing: I function at breaking point. When my life is in survival mode, I outperform everyone. In other words, at the point beyond any endurance you have known; when you are completely broken and have lost all hope, I start to warm-up
The problem with this instinctive survival approach is my life is not in permanent crisis. Could it be that my mind helps me create a crisis so that I work better? That I burn everything around me so that I can be motivated?
What a terrible way to live.
It also means that the normal faculties and small mental resiliences that you have in place (e.g.) counting to ten if you are annoyed are completely absent from my personality.
The worst thing that I find about my personality is that I live in my head. We all do. But the rooms of my mind palace are covered more in darkness than I thought possible. I created the darkness, the constant chilling rain and cold that I feel in these rooms.
I cannot live like this anymore. It is my belief that I have an option: it is this, nothing is stopping me from “uncreating” them. There is beauty in my world and in my mind. I just need to remember this.
The work I am doing now is essential to my existence. It starts with a few fundamental assumptions or my own values.
- I am and truly this is enough.
- No-one has the right or privilege to determine my happiness
- I can visualise and construct happy, safe places in my mind when I experience negative emotion.
That is it.
Success requires my interaction with the outside world. Of course it does. BUT before any of that, I need to create my own safe place. Before, I can even say to my prospective Keanu Reeves lookalike of a boyfriend, that I am pleased that you are around, I need to be comfortable with the fact that he is neither essential or necessary for my enduring well-being, achievements or just life.
The social construct that tells us we are not alone or that we are not an island is bullshit.
We are constantly alone and the most important takeaway from my life is the construction of a mind that is resilient and is an efficient, focussed and beautiful place for me (by which I mean my awareness) to live in.
And finally, I do not need a crisis to outperform: I don’t.
1 thought on “2021 the year that I decide to help myself”
Such a powerful post. Thank you for sharing.