It’s almost been 18 months since I attended my last Indian wedding. Ironically, both were of people I believe I am close to, and the sharpest contrast is edible food and free flowing drinking water were available at this latest wedding. Other minor differences were the venue was not in a remote village in the middle of nowhere and the number of peacocks heckling us did not outnumber the dishes served. Enough said.
However, our world has entirely changed with the current pandemic, and this has had severe personal repercussions for me. This graph best represents the magnitude of my deep-seated fears:
The North-South divide is fictitious codswallop
South Indians, with their orderly queues, higher levels of education, lower corruption, want you to think the North of India is a different country.
Who eats dal makhani when you can have sambar and dosa?
This apparent “South-North” divide overshadows a significant demarcation that gets no air time.
Naturally, I am referring to the Bihar – Punjab divide.
Bihar/Jharkhand is home to the world’s first university, the seat of Gautam Buddha’s enlightenment and MS Dhoni’s birthplace.
Punjabis are big spenders on luxury weddings, whisky (or any consumer-grade alcohol, especially the local brew) and other non-essential semi-luxury commodities (Gucci and Fendi).
The dramatic difference between Biharis and Punjabis is best-illustrated by their dancing styles.
Also, I would like to air a pet peeve of mine. Cute Punjabi men are nothing more than exuberant peacocks, with their ridiculous broad shoulders, height and style. If you are Bihari, I strongly advise you to look the other way and ignore this display of masculine vanity. You are only laying the groundwork for future disappointment as 99.99% of Bihari men look like brown versions of Donald Trump.
The make-up artist is the Bridezilla that blindsides you.
I love doing my make-up, and admittedly, I sometimes may look like a shiny 1970s’ disco ball (as I have a generous hand with highlighters), but I’ve made my peace with that.
However, I was utterly unprepared for the sheer scale of my make-up artist’s ineptitude. In my defence, said make-up artist deflected her incompetence by taking out every single make-up palette and brush I have ever desired.
These are some of the warning signs that you should do your own make-up
- Not only did I have kilos of make-up on my face, but this was unblended.
- Sorry, in this day and age, WHICH philistine does not know that make-up needs to be BLENDED??
- I explained I have hooded eyes and could she ensure that she paid attention to my eye area.
- She seems to have assumed that I meant, “please highlight my lips as I am unfulfilled desire to look like Victoria Beckham.” NO.
- NO-ONE wears lip gloss except Victoria Beckham.
- I always have a good giggle (or uncontrollable fits of laughter) at “before” and “after” shots of Indian brides being transformed by make-up. I mean, why do you want to look 20 shades lighter than your actual skin complexion…As you can see from the photo below, karma is a b*tch. There are no prizes for guessing what my actual appearance is.
Let everyone touch your feet (or run away like Usain Bolt)
A person that is loosely related to my family and is happily married with children, loves touching my feet.
If you are wondering how on earth I could have a problem with her, well, hear me out. She is 41 days younger than me!!!! Said person takes every opportunity to bend down and physically touch my feet.
I am not sure why she needs to prostrate her ego in front of my feet, but if you find yourself in a similar position, keep your sprinting shoes ready!!