No man is an island entire of itself
This poet couldn’t have been Indian. Even if he tried. At 1.39 billion people, no Indian can claim to be an isolationist or a land mass. We have too many relatives and friends, whom:
- Use the term “destination wedding” with such artistic licence, that Shakespeare’s is literally turning in his grave and
- Consequently, can’t tell the difference between Four Points by Sheraton and the Four Seasons
If you have not received a wedding card with venue for the Mehendi listed as “Four Seasons” and only to be driven to the “Four Points by Sheraton,” then you have not lived.
I hope you get the drift of the type of “destination wedding” I recently attended.
I am being charitable when I say it was in the middle of nowhere – the closest village was a 45 minute drive and we were told to arrive before dark. This wedding gave “no-frills” a new meaning and I shudder to think what a terrible experience flying would be, if the wedding organisers were hired by a budget airline.
Just to alleviate any doubts you may have, there was no wi-fi or beauty salon or functioning staff or edible food.
The Indian wedding industry is a USD 50 billion industry. By default, if you are reading this blog and are Indian, then you will have to attend a destination wedding at some point in your life. Let’s hope any reference to “Four” is absent from the invite.
Basic survival list
If you are going to be stuck in an “Four” location for several days, what should your basic survival mechanism be? I have listed some of my key learnings:
- Food – if you were served the same lamb seekh kebab on Day 3 as at the cocktail party on Day 1, you will get food poisoning. It’s like Newton’s fifth law of survival: stale non-veg is equal to E.coli squared.
- Water – only drink bottled water and don’t make the schoolboy error of brushing with tap water.
- Face towel – unless you want to get a fungal infection that will take the next 18 months to clear up, take your own face towel.
- Do not share your make-up – pretend no one else needs make up. Failing that, lie. “Mascara? What highlighter? Aunty I wake up like this only.”
- Linen – yes, you read it correctly. Please take your own bed sheets especially if you have small children.
Items to pack for any destination wedding
- Hydrating face masks: lots of late nights will wreak havoc on your skin, as will excessive consumption of salt, oil, sugar and alcohol. The safest thing to eat is toast.
- Hair dryer and straighteners: hotels have the crappiest hair dryers and whatever beauty salon is around is catering to the family of the bride.
- Extra accessories (extra maang tikkas, hair pins, hair clips): you are always going to have that one family member who claims to have lost their maang tikka, only to find it in their shoe bag one month later.
- Extra pairs of shoes: don’t just take high heels, take trendy flat jootis and flip-flops. The wedding I went to was in a fort and I wore my mother’s bathroom slippers in the Bharat. I really wish I was kidding here, but I am not.
- Take hand sanitizer: Lots of bodily contact so lots of bacteria everywhere. Clean the area where you are storing make up.
- Extra brushes for your make-up: no one has time to clean any make up brushes and face hygiene 101 requires this.
Don’t leave home without…
Food – the glutonous monotony of wedding food is doing nothing for your arteries and skin. If you are planning to postpone that heart attack to well into your 80s, then take healthy, long shelf life snacks. Eg. foxnuts, popcorn, apples, oranges, protein bars and protein shakes.
You will thank me later.
Our P versus NP problem: how much make up to pack?
This a million dollar question. This is what I packed for my trip
I try and pack a particular look (e.g.) pretend smokey eyes with nude lips that will go with the outfit that I’ll wear. I milk the natural look as much as possible because 3 days of 24/7 Cleopatra make-up is disastrous for anyone’s skin.
Definitely try and wear as little make up as possible when there is no one taking photos. If you have a 4-5 hour window, take a nap. Or slap on some aloe vera followed by a hydrating sheet mask.
It doesn’t matter HOW late and HOW little you are going to sleep please take your make-up OFF before you go to bed.
Naturally, DONT share your make-up. If you don’t see other’s skin as a hotbed of infection, we need to talk.
Stay away from sweets and anything that induces acne, including milk and I’ll add alcohol for completeness.